Filtering Watch How a Man Treats Others

Geplaatst op 25-04-2024

Recently reader Maya emailed to describe a great first date, but she was ambivalent because she perceived her date as a bit full of himself. In fact, she referred to him as Pretentious Dude.

On the other hand, they had great physical chemistry and lots of interesting conversation. Best of all, he followed up immediately to plan a second date.

I asked her to keep me posted and this is her follow-up field report:

“We met up briefly for drinks tonight. He really wanted to see me and when we met up he was very sweet. I don’t know why he’s so into me, it’s only been two dates. But he was all over me and saying things like, “I’m glad we met.”

Well, I’d be glad too, except that when we sat down to look at the drink menu he couldn’t find the beer he wanted and muttered, “This is ridiculous.” Keep in mind, we were at an establishment he chose. Then when we ordered our drinks, the bartender poured his beer in a way that made for a lot of foam. He said, “He didn’t do a good job of this” and then said to the bartender, “A lot of foam in this, don’t you think?” The bartender said that sometimes with carbonated beverages it was hard to control the foam that came out. And Pretentious Dude said, “Well, that’s not really a good excuse.”

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OMG. I was mortified. That interaction cast a pall on the entire next hour where I was just focused on downing my drink and getting out of there as soon as possible. This is the second time he was rude to waitstaff, and of all the dates I’ve been on, I have never gone out with a guy who was rude to others. I don’t care how cute or well-educated a guy is, that kind of behavior is just appalling. I want to be with the kind of guy who is charming and affable to the people around him, even the ones he perceives as “beneath” him.”

I share her OMG mortification. She made the right choice in deciding not to see him again. Rudeness in any form should be an immediate dealbreaker. Those who are so smitten with their dates that they overlook such blatant character faults learn the hard way.

Pretentious Dude is all about Maya for now, but eventually she’d experience the same combative and disrespectful attitude. How a man treats you is important, but equally important is how he treats others. Cocky and arrogant behavior do not indicate his superiority, but rather his fear of his own inferiority.

Some men are skeptical of women’s claims that we find kindness and generosity sexually attractive, but when you think about it, that behavior signals high self-esteem, which often predicts success. A cocky, disagreeable guy is not likely to make a very good partner or father in any sense.

Maya’s experience highlights the usefulness of meeting where a man’s treatment of others can be observed. I’ve always been a proponent of casual, active, outdoorsy dates as a way to get acquainted, but Maya might have named him Precious Dude instead of Pretentious Dude had they not met at a restaurant.

By the way, it works the other way around too – I once knew a very senior executive who was known for taking a genuine interest in every employee, down to the women who cleaned after hours. He made a point of speaking with them, knew their kids’ names, and asked how he might make their jobs better. I asked him once why he spent so much time doing that, and I expected him to offer some platitude. Instead, he smiled and said, “You never know, I could be working for them one day. We’re all in this together.”

Do you pay close attention to how a man treats others? Have you ever been embarrassed by your date’s behavior? On the flip side, have you ever felt more attracted to someone because of their genuine kindness and good treatment of others?